Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Two Christmas Presents

It's not like I don't already worry about money incessantly for a teenager. I toss and turn every night, unable to sleep because of concern. I thrive on a bit of independence in finances, and I can't stand the uncertainty that is plaguing me lately. For about a month now, I've been trusting in a short-term tutoring job that I'd been hired for - it was going to pay well, and give me the much needed money for violin lessons, and my deserted vehicle fund, as well as necessities such as clothes. This job was my morning star. And it's been extinguished.

I found out this morning that the job was a scam, though happily I discovered that before the guy got any money out of me. I felt despair and anger in turns, and then I hated myself for being such an idiot to be taken in senselessly. Of course no one would hire an 18 year old merely based on their GPA. I had been deceived because I was so desperate for my fairy tale job to be true. I should have seen the signs from the beginning.

It was the worse Christmas present anyone's ever given me.

After lunch, while my family visited in the living room, I curled into a ball on the bed and crumbled inside. These past weeks have been anything but peachy for me, and I felt as though this was the final blow - a low one at that.

God... why? I cried into the pillow and my one year old niece watched me with wide eyes, offering me candy when I raised my tear streaked gaze to her. I needed that money.

Incorrigibly the reply came. Do you really? What do you need?

Don't be ridiculous. How am I supposed to pay for college or a vehicle or music lessons or clothes or...

I Am.

It hit me with such force that at first I thought I'd actually heard a voice. I remembered a song which proclaimed "In Christ alone." Everything, solely dependent on God for joy, love, life.

And there and then I was given the best gift I've ever received, and I cried more knowing it was the only gift that really mattered in this fragile, fragile world.

All I need is You.

And that you have.

This holiday season, you will be disappointed. You will be hurt. Pedestals will be knocked over, fairy lands will fade, and kingdoms will crumble. But God will be, a gift given eternally and never snatched away. Cling to him, and let your heart be merry.


Elraen said...

I really don't know what to say, perhaps aside from this: I cried reading your blog entry. Thank you so much for sharing that, even out of a heart that's hurting. *hugs super tight*

Anonymous said...

I was once scammed too! It happens because we want to believe the best in people...I still say it may happen to me again because I won't give up on people and I think it is a bad thing not to always think the best of someone at first. But isn't the Lord wonderful to expose them to us?! Somehow the Holy Spirit gives us clues and then poof--no money is exchanged and I think that is the real beauty of the Lord's deliverance. He's watching over us all the time...Just as He's watching over you.